The first time I ever watched The Grinch, I saw the most hated person in Whoville for who he really is: a sex icon I absolutely wanted to fuck.
Dripping with raw masculinity, the Grinch scratched an itch I never knew I had. From the 1966 television special How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the 2001 live-action Grinch movie, and the 2018 animated film simply called The Grinch, I lusted for the big green hairy man through every iteration.
But FYI, it’s not just me with the insatiable attraction. Every year, the internet bands together to praise our thicc king, the angry green man we all want to fuck. Twitter users want to eat his ass and TikTok content creators quiver over his attire.
So all this discourse begs the question: What is it that makes the Grinch just so freaking fuckable?
Let’s start with the obvious. Coming in at a whopping 6'6", this green goblin bad boy is not afraid to toss you over his shoulder and spank you multiple times throughout the day at any mention of Christmas cheer. And let’s be honest, you’d be lucky to be tossed around like a rag doll by this bona fide baddie, considering the massive dump truck he’s sporting.
If his backside isn’t enough for you, take a look at his hands. No man, woman, or non-binary person has ever donned fingers the length of the Grinch’s. They’re good for back scratches, hair twirling, and serving our more primal sexual needs. If his personality isn’t enough, his build certainly is.
But that’s just it: His personality is kind of endearing. Like every good fuck I’ve ever known, the Grinch is a jaded sad boy with a tragic backstory, one that has caused him to be defensive and impossible to work with. His bad boy demeanor, something that changes for the better in the end, gives him huge alpha vibes that, scientifically, make him extremely fuckable.
When paired with the love he shows Martha May and Cindy Lou Who, it’s clear the Grinch is ultimately someone who’s a soft boy looking for love despite his tough exterior. And for that reason, his change of heart in the end adds a layer of fuckability that catapults the Grinch to God Status Sex Appeal.
Sure, he’s a bad boy, but he’s an attainable bad boy. The kind who would fuck you in the car right before meeting your mom and dad.
I acknowledge that in the beginning, he’s mean-tempered, extremely cranky, and constantly in a bad mood, but he’s a work in progress. And this is what makes him so alluring in the first place. Because after all, what is every woman’s weakness? A man who needs fixing.
Let’s also not forget the Grinch lives in the dirtiest house ever, which, although not ideal, points to the fact that he probably serves a tremendous sex game. His bachelor pad is messy, yes, but statistically, a messy place indicates someone knows how to lay pipe.
There’s no time to clean when the Grinch is building up a resistance to germs, strengthening his immune system so he can give you the best head of your life. Plus, his house is carved out of the side of a mountain—who cares what it looks like if he’s regularly spinning you on his dick like a dreidel?
More importantly, his politics round him out as the most eligible bachelor known to man. The Whos of Whoville, plagued by the limitations of capitalism, buy into traditionally consumerist expectations of what Christmas is meant to be. In response, socialist zaddy Grinch stages a one-man heist, toppling democracy single-handedly on the night of Christmas Eve by stealing everyone’s gifts.
He defies laws and expectations, shedding a light on the pitfalls of consumerism. Sure, it’s at the hands of his own selfish pursuit to steal Christmas, but he brings the Whos together in the end, providing everyone a grand meal in his bachelor pad.
I’ll leave you with one final thought: If his heart grew three sizes that day, just imagine what his dick can do. If you never found the Grinch attractive before now, good luck watching it with Mom and Pops this holiday season.