You know how when you’re really busy, masturbating is normally the first thing to go? And by that, I mean you literally just don’t do it at all? Because the second my life becomes remotely stressful, I forget that I have a clitoris. And right now, my life is pretty fucking stressful—well, without the fucking.
I’m working three jobs, I have a sick dog, and I’m just totally exhausted all the time. It’s the opposite of horny. It also doesn’t help that my husband has been traveling a lot for work and we’re rarely home at the same time. So, while I’d normally rely on masturbation to help relieve some of my anxiety, I just feel too damn tired.
That’s when my clitoris demanded an intervention. She said, “Hey, maybe you should try to masturbate every day before work!”—or maybe I dreamt that? Regardless, I jumped (vagina first) at the opportunity, because why not masturbate every morning for a month and write about it for Cosmo?
And maybe if I start flicking the bean (sorry) on the reg, I’ll have more energy, less stress, and a better attitude. Actually, I’m fine with my fucking terrible ’tude, but the first two could use some improvement. So, onward went my quest to masturbating every morning before work, and not going to lie, it was pretty freaking awesome.
My husband was out of town this week, but when I told him about the experiment, he just laughed and told me good luck. Honey, I don’t need luck, I’ve got my hand and about 50 vibrators.
To start Monday off, I brought out an old (but reliable) Hitachi Magic Wand. I love it so much, and if it had a brain and money in the bank, I’d marry it. The wand made me come so quickly because one, it’s amazing at its job, and two, I was obviously pretty sexually repressed.
I felt instant relief and wanted to go right back to bed to take a blissful nap, but I knew I had to work. Ugh! But you know what? It was alright because I went into the day with a clear head and my shoulders not in their normal hunched position.
I felt chill and relaxed and was able to roll with the punches a little more easily. Maybe there is some benefit to this self-care thing I keep hearing about?!
When one of my bosses snapped at me, instead of running to the bathroom to sob it out, I just took it in stride, knowing my trusty wand was waiting to make it all better. Masturbation: The Cure for Dealing With Dick Bosses Everywhere.
The rest of the week was more of the same—I felt great! Just chill, in control, a casual business bitch who was getting HERS.
Honestly, I masturbated twice on some days because the effect was so powerful. I even had phone sex with my husband, and that’s unusual for us because I think it’s cheesy AF, but homegirl was HORNY. Feeling sexy makes me feel more sexy, and there’s nothing wrong with that—even if you have to say things like “My breasts are heaving for you!” over the phone like a plebe.
I am proud to admit that my first week of masturbating before work was so effective that I masturbated over the weekend too. Clearly, this is my new superpower, so bow down, chumps.
The second week was more of the same—I stuck with the magic wand and it still hadn’t melted off my clit. That is probably because I put a hefty barrier between the wand and my clit, so everything was running smoothly. I continued to be productive and amazing at all my jobs and even had an annual review at one job that commented on my improved demeanor—maybe masturbation is the key to not being a heinous B!
I thought masturbating every morning would get tiring, but it didn’t, and my orgasms were as amazing as ever. I am starting to think that masturbation might be the key to world peace.
On Thursday, my husband returned home and I incorporated sex into the mix! Masturbation in the morning and sex in the evening, and I was still feeling A-OK! I’m starting to think I had been psyching myself out about how much effort it would take to have sex when I was tired. Sure, sex can be a very kinky Olympic sport, but it can also just be a lie-there-and-get-off activity. Lazy starfish FTW!
My husband left again for the week, and it was just me and my magic wand. I decided to mix it up and bring out my trusty Womanizer, the vibe that simulates oral sex. NEWS FLASH: Oral sex is the bomb and this thing is a close second best. It changes up the speed and suction on its own, so it’s almost like someone is actually going down on you. It’s awesome and exactly what I needed to mix up my masturbation technique.
Near the end of the week, I am sorry to report that I did start to feel like…fuck. I have to masturbate this morning. Again? Can’t I please have a break? But the thing is, I’m no quitter, so I soldiered on even though my heart wasn’t in it. In fact, on Friday, I just rubbed one out in the shower because I couldn’t make myself do it in bed.
THAT BEING SAID, on the scale of terrible things we are all forced to do for work, this isn’t even on the list. It’s still masturbation! Like, would I be complaining if you made me cuddle a pony before work every day? Of course not! Sure, some days I would be less psyched to see the pony, but it would still be a PONY, you know? That shit is magical.
I woke up the first day of my last week with a distinct feeling of relief. In fact, in the journal I’m keeping to document this experience, I wrote, “ONE MORE WEEK. YOU CAN DO IT, GIRL!” But that’s kind of how it got near the end.
I would remind myself that I had to do it, but once I started again, it was like, “Oh yeah, this is the tits!” It’s kind of like when you think about having to go the gym, you’re all, “Hell no!” but then you drag yourself on the treadmill and afterward you’re like, “Wow, I’m proud of myself.” Whacking it every morning is like that—but better because the only thing that’s getting a workout is your clit. And girlfriend lives for the burn!
Anyway, once I got back into my weekly rhythm, my morning masturbation continued to be wonderful. I mixed it up in the tool department for my last hurrah: I used my hand, a dildo, a vibrator (twice), and my trusty magic wand to end with a bang. I thought I would start to hate masturbating every freaking day, but you just can’t hate masturbation. You can only celebrate it.
The final thoughts
My husband came back Tuesday and we had sex three times in the week, which is more than our usual once or twice a week. Once you pop (the pussy), you just can’t stop! And honestly, during this entire experiment, I never had a hard time orgasming. It was never in limited supply. I always had more (solo) fucks to give, if you will.
Masturbating for a month was the best Cosmo experiment I’ve ever done. I was skeptical at first and thought the near-constant friction would kill my vagina and my clit would go into hiding in some foreign country—but it had the opposite effect! It reignited my sex drive and just generally helped me majorly de-stress.
I was happier and, I think, healthier. I mean, I’m not sure about healthier physically (“Alexa, how many calories does masturbation burn?”) but definitely healthier mentally.
After doing this, I would say with certainty that everyone needs to masturbate more. It will make your life better. You’ll be a happier person. You might win the lottery. You could cure cancer. That is the power of masturbation. Go out there and get ya some.